Posted by
Trubador on Tuesday, July 18, 2006 9:28:39 PM
Part 3 – Big Cross, Little Cross
The following evening I had the chance to catch up with a handful
of old friends, some of whom I hadn’t seen for several years – buddies from my
college years. Good friends who I try to keep in touch with on a semi-regular
basis. We toss out old war stories from bygone days, commiserate about our
jobs, tiptoe through some political topics then quickly change subjects when
things get out of hand, pop out the family photos in jammed wallets. And then
it happens. The inquisition followed by the sincere advice.
Confused? Let me tell you
about what I call “The cross of singlehood” - it's not a big cross, in comparison to others. But it is one
that tends to get heavier as you get older.
Are you married?
(no)
Are you seeing someone?
(no)
Have I got just the girl
for you!
(another blind
date?... ummm, no thank you)
Are you gay?
(NO!)
Are you a priest?
(no)
It's as though there can only be these options: married, about to
be married, a priest, or gay. As if single life is not a valid option.
Certainly not once you hit your 30s. And it’s not as though I’m running around
like a self-absorbed playboy. So then
you get that look where they wonder if there’s something wrong with you. Or
there’s that look of sympathy and concern. Then the unsolicited advice comes
forth. Here are some of the variations on the theme:
Try those on-line dating
services?
(and pay someone
lots of money to meet someone through cyberspace?)
How about church social
functions?
*blank stare*
The old standbys: night
clubs & bars
(you’re kidding me,
right? I’m 42, not 22.)
Have you tried speed
dating?
(meaning the
frantic, 5-minute, assembly-line race to the finish dating stunts?)
Someone at work?
(nope, small
company, no single women)
Just bump into a woman’s
shopping cart at the supermarket.
*rolling eyes*
You deserve to have
someone!
(yes, I do)
You’re such a nice guy!
(gee, thanks for telling me… by the way, the descriptive “nice” is
considered a 4-letter word kiss of death for single people everywhere.)
You know, you really should
consider the priesthood.
(umm, it’s not my
calling)
Are you sure???
*stern look* (yes,
I’m sure!)
You need to get in the
game.
(as though I'm to prepare for a football match, with shoulder pads
& a helmet.)
Even if I did "get in the game," given my current
economic situation I can’t afford to be in a relationship right now. And if I
make the mistake of mentioning that, then that opens up yet another series
of inquisitions and recommendations. (*sigh*)
“A time to weep and a time to laugh… a time to speak and a time to
be silent.” ~ Ecclesiastes 3
I know people mean well. It’s all well-intentioned. But, it’s not
like these topics (especially these topics - relationships, finances, career, health
- you know, the “biggies”) aren’t already on my mind… every day. God and I have had many a
conversation about these and several other topics in my life over the years.
I’ve learned, over time, that there’s a reason for things being the way they
are in my life right now. It’s not easy. It’s not perfect. I certainly still
stumble through some of my daily struggles. I realize that there’s still some
more growing to do.
“A patient man has great understanding, but a quick-tempered man
displays folly. A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the
bones.” ~ Proverbs 14:29-30
And things once again begin to pierce the heart a bit when in the
course of just three days I find out: my oldest brother is about to get engaged
again very soon; his daughter (my goddaughter & niece) gets engaged; and I’d already known for well over a month
that my godson/nephew also got engaged. And then everyone in the family finds
out at once that another niece is pregnant for the third time. So, within the
next two years, there’ll be three weddings in the family, and I’ll become a
“grand-uncle” for the fifth time. And I'm joyful. Sincerely joyful. But…
somewhere… tucked in that deeply hidden place inside of me…
Part of what makes this bittersweet is that I’ve not yet found
that someone special. Let’s be blunt
here – sometimes, coming home to an empty apartment really sucks. In addition, due to the makeup of my family,
it’s up to me and me alone to be able to carry on the family name. But, in a
tearful conversation with my dad one day I reassured him that it’s pressure
that has never been placed on me by others. It’s only
pressure, and longing, and insecurity that I’ve placed on myself.
And I recall an incident several years ago, in a late night moment
of deep despair and anguish regarding that persistent void in my life, when God
spoke to me in a powerfully silent voice – saying, “Patience, Michael… patience.” I trusted Him then with that message, and I have to
continue to trust Him.
“The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some under-stand
slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to
come to repentance.” ~ 2 Peter 3:9
And I’m reminded of Zachariah who (in Luke 1)
doubted the angel who informed him that his wife Elizabeth (both in their old age) would bring forth a son. And because
he doubted, the angel took away his ability to speak for the next nine
months. (I’m sure Lizzy didn’t quite mind that so much. Zach, I bet, was
probably a bit miffed.)
Or, in Genesis 15, Abram and Sarai who (also in their old age) laughed at the direct word from God Himself who told them that
generations will spring forth from them. And, in doubting His word, they
decided to take matters into their own hands. And really screwed things up by
having Abram sleep with a mistress.
So, not wanting to make any rash decisions in this area, and not
wanting to lose my voice, I learn to be patient. And I continue
to work on the parts of my nature that still needs honing and smoothing
and refining. And I begin to understand that the verses in 1
Corinthians 13 ("Love is patient. Love is kind.") are not just meant to be read at weddings for married people. It's also a message for single people, too.